The voices in my head....

I dont trust

2006-03-31T01:10:20Z

I dont trust. I see too many things that tell me I shouldn't trust. Too many things are shady and underhanded. Im ready to give up.

Sick to death

2006-03-25T22:50:52Z

I am so sick to death of people telling me to get over....let it go....nothing is going on. I am sick to death of people telling me one thing and then doing that which they have said they won't do. I am sick to death of my feelings being made out to be unimportant....easily ridiculed....laughed at. I am sick to death of everyone being fake. Maybe I should be fake like everyone else....pretend that all is well....that I'm not stressed out....angry.....hurt....depressed. Because when I say anything then I'm an asshole....being weird.....ignored....run out on....ignored....stepped on. Why can't people own up to their actions and apoligize when they fuck up? Why does it have to be every time. Why do I have to crawl on my knees and grovel and try to make everything ok? Why do I get calls and told I have to say I want to see them? Why can't they call and ssay babe I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry about last nite and running away again and making your feelings seem miniscule? Why can't they just show up and show that they do care? If they can't come by on a lunch break and show a little compassion what's that say? When someone tells me one thing and then I find out that they've gone and done what they said they wouldn't....been shady....I really wonder what else is going on.....what else they're doing behind my back....what they're doing when I'm not around....in the other room. And yet I am supposed to trust blindly. I was....now I'm not so sure. But does it matter? Probably not. In the end it'll all be my fault. My hurt causes them to feel worthless....like shit....well.....that's how I feel. And who gives a FUCK? The people who tell me that they do? Those who look me straight in the eye, tell me they won't do sometging and then do it anyway? Nope. I'll tell you who gives a fuck....NOONE.

alyssa

2006-03-18T09:09:07Z

I am so in love with Alyssa! Really I haven't been this happy in a long time. I don't think that Ive ever been this happy with anyone ever. There is outside drama, people trying to get in the middle of us and ruin things, but what they dont realize is how strong we truly are. I love her!

hurt

2006-03-11T00:46:21Z

i dont understand people anymore. i am so sick of individuals being one way to my face and then come to find out its a whole different story when im not around. i get hugged from the front and feel the knife slowly slide into my back. i am trying so hard to keep my head above water bur as the days go by i just want to slide slowly under the surface and finally feel peace. my heart hurts so badly. people change so quickly. right before my eyes. its amazing. who can i trust when it seems to me that everyone is trying to sabatoge me. i want to be happy. i wont let myself be. when i finally am like ok i do deserve to be happy and will let myself feel happiness and wont ruin it i get kicked in the face by the awful truth. i understand why people just let themselves slip away. maybe i should slip away. who would know or care. if i were to die today everyone would throw a party on my grave. hell id be there partying with them. im sick of this life. i want to be happy. she makes me happy. i want love. i love her. cant they see that? cant they understand that? why cant they just back off and let us be happy? im not a monster. im a good person damn it!!

I hate me

2006-03-09T23:48:28Z

So ya my life is totally twisted upside down right now. i cant believe the shit that i do. ive cared for and loved someone for so long and i hae hurt her so much in the past few days that i am sic to my stomach. i havent vomited and cried this much since my mama died five years ago. i just want the chance to make it up to her so badly. to show her that i do love her more than my own life. outside issues have me completly stressed out that i have been taking it out on he and acting like a total jerk. i really havent meant to and i just wish that she was here so i could hold her be held by her and cuddle with her. all i wanted to do was lay in her arms and cry last nite. i know whats been eating away at me and im fixing it. i will not take things out on her or let my moods affect my relationship any longer. i love her and i want her to know how much. im not a loser and i needd to stop feeling that way. i am a good person and deserve to be happy and when i am with her i am happy. being away from and estranged from her right now is killing me. i miss her so much and its only been a day. i love you.

inksterpro @ 2004-12-13T10:16:00

2004-12-13T18:19:36Z

"Ish"

Patience at times when its tough makes it
Easy to lose sight in what you strive for so
Much that's why I never trust anyone who tries
To know me, that means to get the best of me
That's either my best friend or my enemy
Philosophy is my strategy either way it be
Society plays a role for me that's called
Lunacy to the tensions and the frustrations that
Are unmentioned to the dome either way you
Can look at it if things are left unsaid it
Remains alone I've tried so hard just to
Get to where I am whether or not you recognize
No you can't deny this but you won't get it
'cause I won't let it ever be a factor cause
I know that's what your after humiliation is
Your destiny for you to get the best of me
You met your match so don't test me or-

You'll get smacked up
You'll get smacked up
Don't talk that crazy ish to me
You better back up

Go ahead and talk all that shit man
But you know you ain't got shit to back it
Go ahead and talk all that shit man
But you know we got shit to back it, what?

You all want to talk your shit. That's fine by me. Not a single one of youknows me or what goes on in my life. Talk all the shit you want. You ain't got shit to back it.

inksterpro @ 2004-12-11T15:02:00

2004-12-11T23:03:27Z

oh yea.. thats right fuck you!!!

inksterpro @ 2004-09-13T10:44:00

2004-09-13T17:45:47Z

inksterpro Highway

Confusion Lane	7
Tower of Commitment	14
Bankruptcity	48
Family Farm	139
TravelWorld	381
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

hey. dont know whats going on. i had a line on a pad and now it looks like it may fall through. i dont know what im going to do. hoping that r and i and our other friend can find something. one of my roommates wants to come with us and he'll have close to a g at the end of the month. im just really depressed. i dont get to see my fiance all that much and i feel low. i saw her friday and it was awesome. i wish her mom would just accept us and not kick her out. its so not fair to r. i hate this situation! im scared that ill lose her because of the frustration and stress. i love her soo much! more than anyone before her. i asked her to marry me cos i want to spend forever with her. i hope we can make it through this!

inksterpro @ 2004-09-07T11:15:00

2004-09-07T18:24:54Z

inksterpro
Look out for the

m
HOLE

From Go-Quiz.com
I dont know anymore. I am kinda stuck in a continual state of utter confusion. Im depressed and angry and really for no reason at all. I dont really want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I just would rather crawl into a hole and hide in the darkness. Soceity and humanity make me sick. I look outside my door and wish I had an AK-47 set on auto. The world would be a better place without people, or at least without me.
Im supposed to be getting a place soon with 2 other people. Well apparently with 3 other peole. Im stressing over the first two as it is and now Im going to have to deal with a third. one i dont know. yeah, fucking great! just what i want some guy i dont know. But what can i do say no? yea didnt think so. so of course i have to go along with it just like everything else. i work in sb and they all want to live way the fuck out in goddamm gofuckinleta. fuck how daves supposed to get to work at 6am. deal with it. this is what we want and thats how its going to be. oh well. fuck what im going throough. for once i have a job, a good job, with benifits, room for improvements, insurance and good pay, and i like it, but that dont matter cos ill have no way to get there at 6am.
im just irratated, annoyed and frustrated, i have no idea whats going on. maybe im just bi-fuckin-polar. whatever. doesnt matter n e way. sometimes i feel like noone else is giving a damn about whats going on in my head ore with me, so why so should i? i dont know if i do anymore.
it feels like everything and everyone is against me. i am trying to do the right things for once but it is so frustrating. i give up.

inksterpro @ 2004-09-07T11:12:00

2004-09-07T18:12:02Z

inksterpro
Look out for the

m
HOLE

From Go-Quiz.com

inksterpro @ 2004-08-30T13:39:00

2004-08-30T20:48:19Z

i guess im an asshole boyfriend.....again. my feelings are wrong and unrational. i am supposed to just accept whatever,shut my mouth and go along with it. i dont get it. i explain that i have an issue and yet 3 days later a situation comes along in which though nothing probably wou;d happen, it is a situation that makes me uncomfortable and unhappy, i express that and im the asshole. i admit i did it in a childish way but i wanted to see if it was thought about. nope, not given any thought or consideration. "hes just a friend" how many times have i heard that. aybe i should trust more but also my feelings should be thought of. especially since we just talked about it. she has the same thoughts of me so why wouldnt she think about it and find out if i would be bothered about it not just do it and damn my feelings? i dont know. i just feel that what isay isnt listened to and my feelings arent taken seriously and that they are a joke. yep feel like shit...deja vu.

inksterpro @ 2004-08-20T14:06:00

2004-08-20T21:06:21Z

i got the job at the mission. i think it will be a good experience. good for my sereniity. i lose my serenity alot. but i keep working to get it back.
had a good night with robyie & nightshadesins last night. went to the pier and the mission and took pictures and had some fun. i love spending time with R. its good now and i am happy with her and smile alot. i think imake her happy also. she says i do. i just wish we lived closer. but now that ive got a job i can save for a car and tha tll help. well gonna go wander state st.

inksterpro @ 2004-08-20T10:29:00

2004-08-20T17:33:30Z

Beaches, surfers, California girls.
Wind scented with fabulous dreams.
Bougainvillea, groves of oranges.
Stars are born, everything gleams.
A weather change. Shadows fall.
New scent upon the wind - -decay.
Cocaine, Uzis, drive-by shootings.
Death is a banker. Everyone pays.

Under the winter moon's pale light,
across the cold and starry night,
from snowy mountains soaring high
to ocean shores echoes the cry.
From barren sands to verdant fields,
from city street to lonely wealds,
cries the tortured human heart,
seeking solace, wisdom, a chart
by which to understand its plight
under the winter moon's pale light.
Dawn is unable to fade the night.
Must we live ever in the blight
under the winter moon's cold light,
lost in loneliness, hate, and fright,
last night, tonight, tomorrow night
under the winter moon's bleak light?

All of us are travelers lost,
our tickets arranged at a cost
unknown but beyond our means.
This odd itinerary of scenes
--enigmatic, strange, unreal--
leaves us unsure how to feel.
No postmortem journey is rife
with more mystery than life.

Tremulous skeins of destiny
flutter so ethereally
around me--but then I feel
its embrace is that of steel.
On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.
This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.

I'll change highways in a while,
at the crossroads, one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I'm going only where I desire.

On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken.
One day, walking, I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.
The sky is deep, the sky is dark,
The light of stars is so damn stark.
When I look up, I fill with fear.
If all we have is what lies here,
this lonely world, this troubled place,
then cold dead stars and empty space...
Well, I see no reason to persevere,
no reason to laugh or shed a tear,
no reason to sleep or ever to wake,
no promises to keep, and none to make.
And so at night I still raise my eyes
to study the clear but mysterious skies--
that arch above us, as cold as stone.
Are you there, God? Are we alone?

inksterpro @ 2004-08-19T10:05:00

2004-08-19T17:27:41Z

ive been told that my lyrics i post are depressing. im not depressed. im actually happy. i am doing things i need to do to improve my life. my relationship is awesome. my friends are great. i dont have alot but my friends are total quality. i should(will) be hired at the old mission. im 9 months sober. i have a safe environment to live in. im doing really good for once. i dont wake up and frown, i smile. i dont worry if my gf and i are going to fight. if shes pissy its cool, she vents on me for a few minutes and its all good. we sat on the beach the other night got sand in our shoes and TALKED. to me thats the best in life. no more lies, no more hiding shit. those of you know me know im a dork, and with her i can just be me. i dont have to front and be fake and be the thug, convict or any of that crap i can just be me. i love the way she looks at me. or holds my hand. the best part is shes being a chick and actin like a gf. its awesome. she rox my sox. i might marry her.... if she asks!lol:)but who knows i might just have to wait forever. sigh... alas always a best man never a groom.lol to all my friends.... thank you so much for all your support and forgiveness. i couldnt do it without your belief, faith and support. its nice to have people rooting for me instead of trying to tear me down. its awesome to have people proud of me. i love you all. you know who you are!this is for you..... Friends and Family: Some call me a loser Some call me a cheater Some say I'm a selfish untalented dreamer Cause all's I try to do is keep my dream alive But it's so hard to do when your working 9 to 5 I've never been one afraid to die But I'm afraid to leave behind The precious life that grows through the sands of time Cause now I've got two daughters And I know they need their father To help them make it through all of the devious things that people do Cause every moment counts from the good times to the bad I don't have time to envy those that got things I've never had Cause the one thing most important is the one we take for granted And until your life is on that line I think it's the way god had planned it To open up your eyes and make you realize That to some life is money But what's money without life Cause all's I need is the air that I breathe And my friends and family to believe in me As deep as the abyss where the waters run As deep as the land of the rising sun You know I'm down And even when them odds are against us It doesn't even matter Nothing else matters We bleed the same blood We cry the same tears We have the same fears We pass the same years We see the same stars Under the same skies We pass the same time We all live and die Cause friends and family wash thicker than blood And if ya' never felt love than I feel for you cuz' Cuz' lives pass above us 747's Deceased dwell below us Before they go to heaven Everything in between oh has a meaning Some stay connected while other keep dreaming Looking for that meaning but the lost can't be found Drop to your caps and pray Now can ya' hear the sound? Do ya' hear it? Now do ya' hear it comin'? Two triple zero the hunters are the hunted Electrical currents conflict with the spirits Ah do ya' hear it ah or do ya' fear it? Deep like seven leagues life intrigues intelligence Got no time for clutter, you're late if there's hesitance Put your foot forward and there will be a helping hand Take a step back and your stuck in the quick sand Ingesting toxins keeps us locked in, a mental jail trap 2004 where's your family at Oh, and I might fail Oh, I might succeed Whatever the outcome is Just keep your faith in me Just believe in me And I will be there

inksterpro @ 2004-08-15T14:02:00

2004-08-15T21:47:08Z

women can be frustrating! i was kidding with r and she got mad. didnt mean to but its what i do best. n e ways, gonna spend some time on the beach get burned, draw and relax. then go home and chill. got to go to work at 645am tomorrow, thats cool cos im usually up at 530am. hope i make a bunch.

inksterpro @ 2004-08-15T13:55:00

2004-08-15T20:55:11Z

the job is cleaning houses and boats

inksterpro @ 2004-08-15T13:42:00

2004-08-15T20:42:36Z

got a job! yay! happy! all is right in the wurld! Im too cool!

inksterpro @ 2004-08-14T10:39:00

2004-08-14T17:39:03Z

had a good night last night. spent time with my butterfly! yay! she rules. went to the sb peir and whistled at hookers. how cool is she? she rox my wurld!

inksterpro @ 2004-08-13T10:55:00

2004-08-13T18:40:51Z

going to get a job. yay. hope everything goes well! its in goleta but its a job. not a hard job. just want it and get money. need a normal life!! 9 months sober and still going strong. im so over all that shit. dont want it dont need it. got to be careful though. cant forget how bad it gets. hoping to see my butterfly tonite!

inksterpro @ 2004-08-13T10:12:00

2004-08-13T17:57:34Z

So im in love. sometimes i wonder if that is enough for her. do i truly make her happy? is she going to wake up one day and wonder what the hell is she doing with me? it scares me sometimes. i guess im just insecure. i love her so much and want her to feel as happy as i do. do i do it for her? i hope so! i try. ireally do. i treat her how id like to be treated. do i do enough? shes my world.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!

2004-07-15T02:34:50Z

Hey anyone who reads this babble of mine. Well as most of you know I've been away for 8 months. Not the vacation I was looking for.I unfortunatly was incarcerated. Again. Now Im out and will be trying to do things right this time. I cant do that anymore!
you see the thing is doing time doesnt bother me anymore. Im used to it. Its easy. Its simple. Its safe. What I do mind is losing the people I care about. Im lucky. Even after the way I fucked up those wo care are giving me the chance to redeam myself.
I walked out expecting to have a friendship with someone and thats it. Though I wanted more I accepted her choice. I love this woman more than I ever have loved before. I would hurt a lifetime of pain so she never has to hurt again. I stepped off the bus in Oxnard and there she was to bring me home. God knows she looked good! I was so nervous and excited. How woulld she react to me?
I sat next to her in the car butterflys in my stomach wanting to touch her face- hold her hand- toch her thigh- just like before. But I had to tell myself just friends.
When we were alone and talking she told me she still loved me! My heart soared!
We spent four wonderful days together!
SHE WANTS TO SPEND HER LIFE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!
I am so in love with her!!!!!!!!!!
So I go to the Salvation Army tomorrow.
Wish me luck!!

Im still here

2003-11-08T15:00:47Z

Hey everyone. Im still here. Not been doin to good. I broke up with R. and Im really depressed about it. I really wanted our relationship to work and it kills me that it didnt. We hung out last night and talked and it was way cool. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and hold her. I just wanted to hold her hand and touch her thigh like I use to when she was driving. But it wouldnt be right. Like I told her if I can walk away with her as my friend then I have gained alot. She is an amazing person and I do feel better for knowing her. I still care alot about her and I still love her but I really don't think it would work. I dont know what went wrong. I just hope we can stay friends.

I fucked up

2003-10-25T08:55:58Z

well.....
I think i lost my baby today. Ive been having alot of personal issues and i took it out on R. I was a total asshole and very unfair to her. Then we started to work it out but i was drunk and started to freak out and i left and unfortunatly i hurt her again. fuck!! why do i fuck up so bad? i hope i dont lose her i love her so much!!!!

Just another day

2003-10-24T21:33:34Z

Well...
Its another day and I am still alive. I think I broke my hand last night. Its okay though. At least I feel SOMETHING. Ive been feelin dead lately. The fucked thing is that Im all alone in this. Its nothing new though. Ive been this way for along time now. Im use to it. It doesnt even matter anymore. I try to matter and mean something to people and I am blown off and made to feel miniscule. Oh well.

I just don't know....

2003-10-23T18:42:55Z

Well...
I just don't know anything anymore. I'm having a hard time coping anymore. Don't know if I want to anymore. Don't think its worth it. Don't see the point. I try to keep a smile on my face for people but its getting harder and harder every day. Why do I keep trying? I try cos I cant let myself quit but quitting seems more and more like the way to go. Im sick of feeling alone and like shit and worthless. But my feelings really dont matter and my emotions dont mean shit. Whatever. Fuck it.